You’re treating yourself to a mini break from the kids (and by that I mean two minutes of scrolling social media while keeping very quiet and out of sight) and you see a little quote about motherhood. It’s got a sunset in the background and the writing is curly and soothing. You read it (as it must hold a wise message that might encourage and sustain you until it’s time for operation bedtime). There’s a cry of “Mummy, he’s opened the fridge again and he’s emptying it!” You put your phone back and head to the rescue. That little motherhood meme you just read stays in your head like a tiny seed. While preparing dinner, the tiny seed sprouts some roots and begins to grow. “I'm not doing all that ‘good Mum’ stuff that the message assumed. Everyone else is “loving every minute” of motherhood. There’s something wrong with the way I’m doing it then.” And so the poison sets in.
Look with a critical and cautious eye and you will find hundreds of dangerous, subliminal motherhood messages that masquerade as encouragements. On the surface they seem friendly and relatable, but if you flip the message and look at the converse of what is being said (e.g. “good mums…” so therefore “bad mums….”) they can pull you down from the inside.
I have become more and more aware of these possibly well intended but actually menacing memes that are drip fed to us. So when I come across one now, I try to re-write it in my head. Here are a few examples…
‘When my children remember their childhood, I want for them to remember that their mother knew her worth and transmitted this sense of worth and belonging to others, by valuing herself, her time, her rest and her relationships. She worried about things but brought others into her struggles to talk about them, ask for help and show her children the power of vulnerability and honest relationships. She loved them without condition and knew when she couldn’t keep going and that this was okay. I want them to remember me as the woman who sometimes couldn’t get back up and was accepted anyway, in a community where we we have value because we ARE not because of what we DO.’
Dear Jessica Scott,
Yes, there are parts of the summer that I’m sure might be “delicious” (getting to eat an ice cream…before my children drop theirs & have mine), but much of the summer I anticipate spending time finding safe friends that I can share the lowlights (and highlights) with and encourage each other in this really hard, really valuable gruelling work. I’m not sure a countdown to adulthood is motivating me to “enjoy every minute” of those 18 summers. But maybe, and I hope (and probably a lot through my mistakes) this summer might see windows of us all knowing we are worthy of love and belonging in the highs, but especially in the lows of this guaranteed imperfect summer.
At what point in the relentless 24 hour picture do I put this out of my mind and sneak in some “bad mum” time when I clean the floors, tidy the kitchen, put away the laundry and clean the oven? Ah, in the evenings when my children are sleeping, as when they’re awake their entire happiness hinges on me being present with them, not doing those jobs. DANGEROUS thought seeds to plant! This meme subtly implies that the ultimate goal in motherhood is our child’s happiness and that we are subservient to this aim. By default, there is such a thing as a “bad mum” who is defined as putting the tasks of running a home ahead of time with her children, never mind the task of looking after her own physical and mental health.
Motherhood is a relationship within a community. Affirm yourself every minute with the knowledge that you are worthy; worthy of needing a break, worthy of asking for and accepting offers of help, worthy of belonging when “every minute” does not feel enjoyable. Treasure your community and your important place in it. Talk about your struggles as well as your special moments (nobody is “enjoying every minute”). Build a culture of honesty and of celebrating good things when you see them (in your own life and in others’).
So next time you see a meme with a sunset in the background, an airbrushed mother and baby picture, a quirky cartoon or a friendly font, be on your guard! Not all motherhood advice is created equal (and much of it is fuelled by advertising). We are all so different in how we are walking this season of life. But we need to walk it together, in community where we affirm others and ourselves in this important, precious work of relationship.
References:
Thrive Women's Network: The Thrive Course
Jude Munday: Coffee and conversations!