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How (and why) I'm learning to say 'no' and ask for help

Writer's picture: Ange DisburyAnge Disbury


I love pleasing people. I like feeling wanted, needed and seeing others thrive. I hate the thought of hurting other people’s feelings or creating conflict. Putting someone else’s needs above my own feels sacrificial, worthy, heroic. In many cases it is the right thing to do, but ‘yes’ had become my default response to need, often at the expense of my family and my health. Then the familiar frustration, stress and often guilt would follow. With a growing young family, healthy life was becoming harder to sustain or even attain and my capacity to say yes to the really important things was shrinking.


After struggling to return to work after maternity “leave” with our second child (who woke daily before 5am demanding a banana), worsening back pain and growing caring responsibilities within our wider family, I felt like I was failing at so many aspects of life. I remember the amazingly timed words of a very wise friend so clearly:


“Capacity and capability are not the same thing. In some seasons of life your capacity is reduced. It’s recognising what your capacity is and not confusing this with your sense of capability and worth that’s the important thing. It’s recognising your boundaries and asking for help.”

At around this time, we began to try to make some big mindset changes that led to lots of little but really significant changes in day to day life.

Learning to say “no”

I was really impacted by a podcast  with Christy Wright (author and business coach). She described a shift in how she came to make decisions when asked by others if she could help, attend or lead something.


Questions she previously asked herself before committing:

1) Do they need me? (And yes they do, they’re asking)


2) Am I available at that time? (If the calendar slot wasn’t free she would often feel a sense of relief that she had a valid reason to decline. If it was free she would feel obliged to say yes).


But the problem with this decision making process is that it sucks us into jobs, roles, relationships and projects that are a priority to the people asking, not to us. It also breeds resentment and fatigue.


Questions she now asks herself before committing:


1) Is this in line with my goals?


2) Does it compete with a higher priority?

3) How will this affect my family/ those closest to me?


4) Do I want to do it (and will I want to do it when the time comes)?


Saying "no" without having to say the word


Wright explains that the external excuse of “I’m not free” isn’t to be relied upon like a crutch for your no. If you are technically free, this crutch is removed. She gives an example of declining an invite with friendly honesty (using the same format as a ‘criticism sandwich’ – positive, negative, positive). For example: “that sounds like a great event & I love how excited you sound about it. Sunday evening is a time I like to keep free to prepare for the week ahead and rest, but I hope it goes really well and let me know if I can support you in the future.” I’ve been struck by the fact that we don’t need to always justify an answer or apologise. I have found the words “thank you” much more empowering than “sorry.” Or the words “I’m afraid I won’t be able to…” much less guilt inducing than “I’m so sorry I can’t…”


When I’ve started to use this reasoning and language in everyday life, I’ve found the act of saying a kind and careful no so liberating. It is making my yes much more solid and present. In the long term, it is much kinder to say an honest no (and this makes room for others to do the same) than to say a reluctant or expected yes. I have found that starting to let go of labels I’d always prized (‘dependable, always there, to be counted on to do it’) has began to allow a much more realistic and genuine me to be seen (‘vulnerable, limited, considered’). 


Saying “no” to our own busyness


The art of weighing up and communicating our priorities applies massively to our self talk too. We live in a time where busyness is almost glorified. Recently a friend admitted to me that she feels guilty if her partner comes home and she’s not busying herself around the house. “I feel like I need to prove my worth or something.” I can totally identify with these feelings. The concept that rest needs to be earned. That it’s permitted only when the mental list is executed. That busyness somehow equates to worthiness. When we unpicked these feelings and expectations, we decided that actually “proving your worth” is doing the thing that you need to look after yourself at that time…asking for help, sitting on the sofa with a drink. That picture of “proving your worth” looking like self care has stuck with me. I like to imagine a ripple of internal applause and enthusiastic cheering whenever I make a small step towards looking after myself. Often it’s tiny things like choosing to make myself a cup of tea when I make my children a drink (and them seeing me do this), not putting off booking a health care appointment for myself, guarding a slot for a really edifying face time call with a close friend living abroad, being resolute about leaving work on time. It’s conscious, ongoing, small decisions that make a big impact.


“Self care is more than a pedicure. It is an attitude, a mindset, the value we place upon ourselves.”  (Christy Wright) 

Sharing our self care moments and mindsets


I used to feel disappointed, even frustrated, if a friend cancelled plans we had made to meet up. But more recently, close friends and I have been trying to be really honest about why we’re cancelling or declining. When they have said “I can’t manage it at the moment” or “I need a night in,” it helps me to be braver at doing this too and also makes way for being able to genuinely support each other. Asking for help from people who demonstrate having boundaries and feel able to say ‘no’ feels a lot easier than asking those who don’t. It’s funny, I actually feel a bit more secure with friends who wait to reply to (non urgent) texts/messages than with those who reply very quickly.

As we care well for ourselves, set boundaries and become more open about what this looks like, we are actually giving others permission to do the same. Not because it’s another thing on the ‘to do’ list, but because you are worth caring for. 


Boundaries increase our capacity to support others


Brene Brown (researcher and author) states that “one of the most shocking findings in my research over the last 13 years was finding that the most compassionate people were also the most boundaried.” (Boundaries being defined as what’s ok and what’s not ok). She notes that we assume the worst about people’s intentions when they are not respectful of our boundaries. (It is easy to believe that they are trying to disappoint us or ‘suck us dry’ on purpose). We assume the best in others (“they’re doing the best they can”) when we are brave at setting and maintaining boundaries. When we sense that others have boundaries and can say a genuine and grounded ‘no’ or ‘yes’ to our requests for help, asking becomes much easier.


“Boundaries are not fake walls, separation or division. They are respect: here’s what’s ok for me and here’s what’s not ok. Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” (Brene Brown)

I used to think self care and self sacrifice were at opposite ends of the spectrum to each other. I’m seeing more and more that this is just not the case. Self care and boundary setting make way for better service to others. My husband has sometimes suggested he miss his much loved weekly football training when things have been busier for us. Occasionally we decide yes, but most often we decide no! “We are all better for you having that time” I’ve told him. We all benefit from those two hours he spends sweating on a muddy pitch!



We assume that people are mind readers when it comes to our needs


One of my big barriers to asking for help is the feeling that people already instinctively know my needs and haven’t come forward with offers so who am I to inconvenience them. I was really challenged by this false thinking recently. During what felt like a very long school summer holiday featuring severe “morning” sickness, I made the decision to…dare I say it…ask for help. My tentative text to a few friends was met with lovely, specific offers of childcare and practical help. I braved a cry on my next door neighbour who later offered to do some ironing for us. My initial thought was “we’re managing, we’ll be ok,” but I tried to change this thinking and made myself accept. Community is built on seeing need and responding to it. Often I think we feel that community building is being the ‘helper,’ not the ‘helped.’ But ‘seeing need’ massively includes our own need and by blocking opportunities for others to reach out we can be blocking the potential for community flourishing. Shared vulnerability breeds honesty and real relationships. 


Going forward


So here’s to honest no’s and considered, intentional yesses, the discernment to notice how we’re doing and the courage to communicate this to others. Here’s to separating our capacity in a particular season of life from our sense of capability and worthiness. When we care well for ourselves and set healthy boundaries, we are much more equipped to support others. Let’s make room for each other’s no’s, be honest about our capacity and affirm each other’s boundary setting.


References: 

Podcast: Don’t Mom Alone: Episode 192. Manage your life with guilt-free confidence, Christy Wright, 2018.

Brene Brown, ‘Dare to Lead,’ 2018.


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