If you’d have asked me before having a baby how I was going to look after myself in the newborn days, my mind would have probably (naively) imagined long naps when my super contented baby slept, walks in the sunshine while they babbled and smiled back at me, evening exercise sessions after my baby had settled to bed faultlessly at 7pm. The reality has been something very, very different! How on earth can I practice ‘self care’ when a ‘break’ is to get my toddler off the thinking step, go to the toilet, change all my pads (while rolling the toilet roll back up that my Andrex puppy three year old boy sent down the stairs), then rush back to feed a hungry baby before the school run.
The well meaning “encouragements” of some could sometimes add more pressure to my already at capacity life: “Are you taking time for yourself” (like this was a realistic option and also something extra I now needed to fit in). But I’m learning to see ‘self care’ not as something grand and luxurious, but as a mindset. The value we place on ourselves. Being curious about what helped a day to feel easier. Little realistic decisions or even experiments made on a daily basis.
Something I read recently has resonated loudly: ‘Looking after yourself is looking after your baby.” (Julia Jones, Newborn Mothers). I think that in many ways, your world gets smaller for a season with a baby. Nurturing this smaller space is crucial to survival. ‘Looking after myself’ when my world feels small takes the form of (attempted) naps on toddler nursery days, turning my feeding chair to the window with a footrest and a drink handy, asking neighbours for help on days when the school run feels impossible, making an appointment for my neck pain before it gets worse, changing appointment times if they are unmanageable.
I can’t join a gym right now, but I can dance to baby shark with my three year old in the kitchen. I can’t cook a nutritious gourmet meal every day, but I can set a reminder on my phone to take my post natal vitamins. I can’t travel very easily to see friends further afield, but I can attempt to book a FaceTime slot to chat with affirming friends (often we are on attempt two, three or four!). I can’t change my body to fit into my pre pregnancy clothes, but I can try to find clothes that fit and feel sort of comfortable for this season and try to tell myself how much my body has been through. I can’t organise a big date night to connect amazingly with my husband, but I can tell him what I appreciate about him and all that he’s doing each day (and remind him how much I need to hear this too!). I can’t blitz the washing and bring the basket down to empty, but I can check that everyone has clean-ish clothes for tomorrow. I can’t attend a relaxation and mindfulness course but I can take a minute to look at the few pictures I took on my phone of some lovely moments of the day (amongst the difficult ones) and think about what we’re doing well and what i’m grateful for. I can’t get lost in a book but I can listen to a podcast (in instalments) at times. I can’t expect people to read my mind, but I can tell them what I need, ask for specific help and try to accept it without feeling guilty. I can’t achieve a stress free day but I can try to praise myself for all I am sustaining and talk gently to myself if (when) things don’t go to plan.
I'm learning to view self care in this season as changing my model of success from ‘achieving All The Things’ to getting through a day and night gently. It’s being proud of those little intentional decisions and experiments when I feel them bear fruit in my well-being and see the ripples of this affecting those around me. Caring for a newborn is life giving and life changing work, too valuable not to be nurtured and supported.
As I sit here feeding while watching my 11th episode of Peppa Pig today, I’m reminded of six years ago when our eldest was born. My friend Jude imparted some words that continue to encourage me each day: “these early days are about surviving and loving. You’re doing a great job.” If you’re in a season of surviving and loving, how are you nurturing your smaller (vital) space?
Nb: This blog was written in many tiny instalments